The holidays are often painted as a season of joy, togetherness, and celebration. But for many, they can be one of the hardest times of the year. Beneath the festive lights and gatherings, grief has a way of surfacing - quietly, insistently, sometimes unexpectedly.
The holiday season can amplify grief, especially in Singapore, where the festive season gets drawn out from Christmas to New Year, then continuing on to Lunar New Year and in 2026, Hari Raya Puasa for our Muslim friends.
There is no “right” way to grieve, but both grieving individuals and those around them can navigate this tender time with more compassion because grief doesn’t disappear just because the calendar says it’s time to celebrate.
Why Grief Feels Heavier During the Holidays
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn’t fade neatly with time. Holidays can intensify grief because they are loaded with expectations, traditions, and memories. An empty chair at the table. A familiar ritual that can no longer be shared. A date that carries the weight of loss.
Whether the loss happened recently or decades ago, these moments can bring the absence into sharper focus.
And grief isn’t limited to death alone. Beyond grieving for families, friends and pets, people also grieve:
Relationships and divorces
Lost experiences or expectations
Changes in identity or roles
Health, mobility or independence
Homes or home country
Grief is layered, and complex. Often, what hurts most isn’t just the primary loss, but the many secondary losses that follow - the dreams that are dashed, the routines that change, the old life that may be hard to let go.
For People Going Through Grief: How to Care for Yourself
1. Honour Your Feelings
There is no deadline for grief. You don’t “move on” after a certain number of months or years. You may feel fine one moment and overwhelmed the next, even decades later. This doesn’t mean you’re not “normal”. It means you’re human.
Let yourself feel what comes up: sadness, numbness, anger, relief, joy, frustration or all of it at once. Call or text someone you trust and say, “I need to talk”
2. Give Yourself Permission
Many people struggle with the idea that grief and joy can coexist. But they can and they often do. You’re allowed to laugh at a memory, enjoy a moment, or celebrate while still grieving deeply. You don’t have to grief all the time - it doesn’t mean that the memory of your loved one has faded, or that you have forgotten them.
You’re also allowed to grieve losses that others might minimise, a beloved pet, a relationship that ended, or a future you imagined but didn’t get.
Grief doesn’t need external validation to be real.
3. Take Small, Manageable Steps
The holidays come with social pressure: dinners, parties, gatherings.
Before saying yes or no, pause and check in with yourself.
Ask:
Do I have the emotional capacity for this right now?
What would make this feel more manageable?
And remember: you’re allowed to change your mind. You can plan to go, and decide later that it’s too much. Flexibility is not failure; it’s self-care, it’s about recognising your boundaries. The people who understand this intrinsically, will be there for you at another time when your social battery is charged up.
4. Create Community Rituals
Many people find comfort in acknowledging their loved ones during the holidays instead of pretending the loss isn’t there. This might look like:
Making their favourite dishes to share with others
Re-telling a story or recalling the memories of their loved ones
Playing their favourite songs
Gathering trusted friends to write “Letters to Grief”
Rituals create space for remembrance without forcing grief to stay hidden.
5. Rest and Downregulate
Grief can feel exhausting, especially when you’re “bracing” yourself to get through social events. If you push yourself to show up, allow time afterward to rest and decompress.
Needing extra sleep, quiet, or solitude isn’t weakness. It’s your nervous system asking for care, and asking to be reset.
For Those Supporting Someone in Grief: How to Show Up
Supporting someone through grief can feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially if you’re worried about saying the wrong thing. The good news? You don’t need perfect words. You need presence.
1. Say Less, Mean More
Avoid clichés like:
“At least they’re in a better place”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“Time heals all wounds”
Instead, try:
“I’m sorry this happened.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“You don’t have to respond. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you at this time.”
These statements don’t try to fix the pain. They make space for it.
2. Offer Practical Support (with no expectations)
When someone is grieving, asking “What do you need?” can be overwhelming, because very often, they don’t know.
Instead, offer something specific:
“I’m dropping off your favourite chicken wings tomorrow.”
“Can I walk your dog this week?”
“I’ll check in again next week, you don’t have to reply.”
Small, concrete actions can be deeply relieving, without expectations of a response. Understand that whatever reactions come from the person grieving, it’s not personal.
3. Keep the Invitation Open
Don’t assume someone doesn’t want to be included. Invite them and make it clear that it’s okay to say no.
You might say: “We’re having a small dinner at home. It’ll just be family. We would love for you to join us but I understand if you’re not up for it.”
Inclusion without pressure matters.
One of my friends extended a Lunar New Year reunion invite to me and said,
“My parents would like to invite you to dinner.”
I was pleasantly surprised, because reunion dinners are typically limited to family. I eventually declined, but the heartwarming invite changed my perspective of the need to hide in my cave during the festive period. I believe this was the start of my healing process.
- Ming Li
4. Don’t Take It Personally
If someone cancels, withdraws, or changes their mind, it’s not about you. Grief is unpredictable, and capacity can shift from hour to hour.
Your understanding, rather than your hurt feelings, is what makes you a safe person.
5. Grief Doesn’t End After the Event
Support typically fades after the first 6 weeks, but grief doesn’t. Checking in months later can mean more than you realise.
A simple message like, “Thinking of you today,” can make someone feel far less alone.
Make Space for Grief…together
Grief is not a problem to be solved or something to “get over.” It’s a natural response to love, loss, and change. During the holidays especially, what people need most isn’t cheer or solutions, it’s permission.
Permission to feel.
Permission to rest.
Permission to remember.
Permission to say yes, no, or maybe. Or I don’t know.
When we allow grief to exist alongside celebration, instead of trying to silence it, we create a more compassionate, honest way of being together.
And that, perhaps, is one of the most meaningful gifts we can offer each other during the holidays.